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"Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part Two)"
Willy: I'm telling ye, I could nay have shot Burns. [uncrosses, then recrosses, his legs; everyone groans]
Eddie: [cocking pistol] This is your last warning about that.
Willy: It's impossible for me to fire a pistol. If you'll check me medical records, you'll see I have a cripplin' arthritis in me index fingerrrs. Look at 'em! [holds them up] I got it from "Space Invaders" in 1977.
Wiggum: Aw, yeah. That was a pretty addictive video game.
Willy: [surprised] Video game?

[Moe is taking a lie detector test]
Eddie: Did you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No! [buzz] All right, maybe I did. But I didn't shoot him. [ding]
Eddie: Checks out. OK, sir, you're free to go.
Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. [buzz] _A_ date. [buzz] Dinner with friends. [buzz] Dinner alone. [buzz] Watching TV alone. [buzz] All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog. [buzz] Sears catalog. [ding] Now would you unhook this already, please? I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment! [buzz]

Nick: [opening the door] Hi, everybody!
Burns: Ho, mer-Simp son!
Nick: OK, that was a little strange. Um, tell me: how are you feeling today?
Burns: Homer. Simpson, Homer. D'oh...Simpson.
Nick: Hmm. That seems to be all you can say. When you were in that coma, did you feel your brain getting damaged?

"Radioactive Man"
Skinner: [on P.A. system] Students, I have an announcement. One of your favorite comic book heroes, Radio Man —
Nelson: Radio_active_ Man, stupid!
Skinner: Strange, I shouldn't have been able to hear that...

Bart: [rehearsing] Look behind you, Radioactive Man! The sun is exploding again!
Marge: Bart, why are you talking like that?
Homer: Yeah, and who the hell are you talking to? Marge, do you have other men in this house? Radioactive men?

Hutz: [pushing through the crowd of kids] Out of the way...Milhouse, baby! Lionel Hutz, your new agent, body guard, unauthorized biographer, and drug dealer—er, keeper-awayer.

Coach: Up and atom!
Rainier: Up and at them!
Coach: Up and atom!
Rainier: Up and at them!
Coach: [annoyed] Up and atom!
Rainier: [louder] Up and at them!
Coach: [covers his eyes] Better.

Editor: Thanks to modern editing techniques, we can use existing footage to complete the film without Milhouse! Watch. [rolls film]
[a bunch of thugs face the duo in a cave]
Rainier: Looks like we're in trouble, Fallout Boy.
[scene switch to field in springtime]
Milhouse: Jiminy jillikers, Radioactive Man.
[back to cave]
Rainier: We'll have to fight our way out. Are you ready?
[switch to Milhouse on a couch]
Milhouse: [monotone] Yes.
[switch to Radioactive Man and Fallout Boy fighting alien slugs]
Editor: Seamless, huh?
Assistant: [pause] You're fired.
Editor: And with good cause!

[Wiggum releases a pack of vicious dogs to find Milhouse]
Wiggum: OK, we can all stop worrying now. These dogs never fail.
Kirk: But...will they just find Milhouse, or will they find him and kill him?
Wiggum: Well, they'll — when they find him, they'll, um — [mumbles something incomprehensible]
Kirk: Uh, excuse me: you didn't answer me. You just trailed off.
Wiggum: Yeah...yeah, I did kind of trail off, there, didn't I? Heh.

"Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily"
Judge: Before I can return your children, you'll have to complete a course called "Family Skills". It teaches parents to listen to their —
Homer: Communication, gotcha.
Judge: But it's important to —
Homer: Listen, yes, I know.
Judge: But there's more to it than —
Homer: I have listening skills!
Judge: Mr. Simpson, would you please —
Homer: Shut up, Judge!

Goodman: OK, let's see if we've learned anything. I want you two to simulate a typical household problem. Go.
Cletus: [on Homer's knee] Uh, Pa, I cut my finger on the screen door again.
Homer: Why you cotton-pickin' — [strangles Cletus. The class looks critically at Homer] No, I gotta pass this class for my kids. [to Cletus] Son, let's stop the fussin' and the feudin'.
Cletus: [stricken] I love you, Pa! [weeps]
Homer: I love you, Cletus! [weeps]
[the class cheers; some shoot guns into the air]

[The Flanderses play bombardment of Bible questions with the Simpson kids]
Ned: Well...?
Todd: I know!
Ned: No, son, we've got to let Bart and Lisa get one. Come on, this one's easy.
Lisa: [pause] We give up.
Ned: Well, guess! Book of Revelations, fire-breathing lion's head, tail made out of snakes...who else is it going to be?
Bart: [unsure] Jesus?

Marge: Where are we going? Where are we going?
Homer: OK, OK, don't panic. To find Flanders, I just have to think like Flanders! [thinking] I'm a big four-eyed lame-o, and I wear the same stupid sweater every day and — [aloud] The Springfield River!

"Lisa the Vegetarian"
Lisa: Uhh, excuse me? Isn't there anything here that doesn't have meat in it?
Doris: Possibly the meat loaf.
Lisa: Well, I believe you're required to provide a vegetarian alternative.
Doris: [Picks up a hot dog in a bun, shakes the weiner out, and slaps the bun down on Lisa's tray.] Yum. It's rich in bunly goodness.

Homer: Look kids! I just got my party invitiations back from the printers.
Lisa: [Reading the invitation.] "Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB."
Bart: What's that extra B for?
Homer: It's a typo.
Lisa: Dad! Can't you have some other type of party, one where you don't serve meat?
Homer: All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.

Troy: Come on Jimmy, let's take a peek at the killing floor.
Jimmy: [Gasp!]
Troy: Don't let the name throw you Jimmy. It's not really a floor; it's more of a steel grating that allows material to sluice through so it can be collected and exported.

Burns: You know, Smithers, I think I'll donate a million dollars to the local orphanage...when pigs fly!
[They laugh. The pig sails across the sky before them]
Smithers: Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir?
Burns: Nooo, I'd still prefer not.

Lisa: I'm never ever apologizing because I was standing up for a just cause and you were wrong wrong wrong! Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to my room!
Homer: That's it! Go to your room!

"Treehouse of Horror VI"
[Chief Wiggum sees a really tall guy walking out of a store. He pulls his gun and shoots him dead. He and Lou go over to inspect the body]
Wiggum: Ah, they're not so tough.
Lou: Um...Chief, that wasn't a monster. That was the captain of the high school basketball team.
Wiggum: Uh, yeah, well, he was turning into a monster. Yeah.

[Willy dies from being engulfed by flames and no one helps him]
Willy: [a mere skeleton] You'll pay for this...with your children's blood!
Wiggum: [sarcastic] Oh, right. How are you going to get them? Skeleton power?

Homer: Uh, I'm somewhere where I don't know where I am.
Marge: Do you see towels? If you see towels, you're probably in the linen closet again.
Homer: Just a second...no, it's a place I've never been before.
Selma: Hmm. The shower. [laughs]

Wiggum: Enough of your borax, poindexter! We need action! [fires his gun six times through the wall] Take that, you lousy dimension!

"King Homer"
Homer: I've got to call the plant and warn them!
[grabs phone, but his fingers are too fat to dial one key at a time]
Operator: The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.

Lisa: I think it's ironic that Dad saved the day while a slimmer man would have fallen to his death.
Bart: And I think it's ironic that for once Dad's butt prevented the release of toxic gas —

"Mother Simpson"
Carl: Oh no! He's going over the falls!
Lenny: Oh good. He snagged that tree branch.
Carl: Oh no! The branch broke off!
Lenny: Oh good. He can grab onto them pointy rocks.
Carl: Oh no! Them rocks broke his arms and legs.
Lenny: Oh good. Those helpful beavers are swimming out to save him. Carl: Oh no! They're biting him, and stealing his pants.
[Homer rushes toward a dam with a giant turbine]
Smithers: Good Lord...he'll be sucked into the turbine!
[Homer swirls around then gets sucked in]
Burns: [rolling down window] Smithers, who was that corpse?
Smithers: Homer Simpson, Sir. [sniffs] One of the finest, bravest men ever to grace sector 7G. [sobs] I'll cross him off the list.
[at the top of the falls, Bart and Homer chuckle]
Bart: That dummy worked like a charm, Dad.
Homer: Best 600 bucks I ever spent. Come on, boy: we've earned this Saturday, now let's make the most of it!

Homer: I thought you were dead!
Grandma: I thought _you_ were dead!
Gravedigger: Well, dang blast it, isn't anybody in this dag gummed cemetery dead?
Hans Moleman: [popping out of a coffin] I didn't want to cause a fuss, but now that you mention it —

Cabbie: Yeah, I might have seen her.
Gannon: [typing] Well, according to our computer aging program, she should look about... [turns screen around; it has a giant "25" on it] 25 years older.
Cabbie: Yeah, I seen her! That is to say, I saw her.

Wiggum: Put out an APB on a Uosdwis R. Dewoh. Uh, better start with Greektown.
Friday: That's "Homer J. Simpson", Chief. You're reading it upside down.
Wiggum: Uh, cancel that APB. But, uh, bring back some of them, uh, gyros.
Friday: Uh, Chief? You're talking into your wallet.

"Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming"
Wiggum: Hey, where is Sideshow Bob and that guy who, uh, eats people and takes their faces?
Prisoner 1: I'm right here, chief!
Wiggum: Oh. Then where's Sideshow Bob?
Prisoner 2: Ehh, he ran off.
Wiggum: Oh, great. Well, if anyone asks, uh...I beat him to death, OK?
Lou: Right.

"Marge Be Not Proud"
Bart: Buy me Bonestorm or go to Hell!
Marge: Bart!
Homer: Young man, in this house, we use a little word called "please".
Bart: It's the coolest video game ever!
Marge: I'm sorry, honey, but those games cost up to and including $70. And they're violent, and they distract you from your schoolwork.
Bart: Those are all good points, but the problem is they don't result in me getting the game.
Homer: I know how you feel, Bart. When I was your age, I wanted an electric football game more than anything in the world. And my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, good night.

Brodka: Son, would you open your coat, please?
Bart: Uh...I don't think this is the kind of coat that opens.
Brodka: Please step back in the store, Son.
Woman: That boy's parents must have made some terrible mistakes.
Gavin: Shut up, Mom.

Homer: How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those "Police Academy" movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you?!

"Team Homer"
Homer: [on phone] Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
Marge: Homer! Watch your mouth!
Homer: Aw, I gotta go. My damn weiner kids are listening.

Wiggum: All right, Snake: make us proud.
[Lou unlocks his leg irons]
Snake: [winding up] One, two, three... [runs quickly] Four five six seven eight nine ten. Bye! [slams door]
Wiggum: Uh...we forfeit.

"Two Bad Neighbors"
Homer: [yawns] Marge, I'm bored.
Marge: Why don't you read something?
Homer: Because I'm trying to _reduce_ my boredom.

Ray: Excuse me, Sir: where are you going?
Homer: I'm going to punch George Bush in the face.
Ray: OK. Is he expecting you?

"Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield"
Homer: What's the point of going out? We're just gonna wind up back here anyway.

Woman: Attendant, I'd like some gas.
Apu: Yes, I'm sorry, I do not speak English, okay.
Woman: But you were just talking to...
Apu: Yes, yes. Hot dog, hot dog. Yes sir, no sir. Maybe, okay.

Burns: I wonder if this Homer Nixon is any relation?
Smithers: Unlikely, sir. They spell and pronounce their names differently.

Homer: Good morning, Mr. Burns. Beautiful day to be outside, isn't it?
Burns: Rant on, Simpson, but your vainglorious boasting will only add savor to my inevitable triumph.
Homer: [pause] Yes.

"Bart the Fink"
Banker: ... and you'll find that saving for your future is far more thrilling than any roller coaster.
Bart: Really? Wow, I should have started a long time ago!
Banker: Mm-hmm. Now sign these forms. I'm sure you'll find them more interesting than a weekend with Batman.

Clerk: Sorry, the bank is— oh, kid. Gosh, I'm sorry, I meant to tell you — turns out Krusty is one of the biggest tax cheats in history, and they nailed him, all thanks to you. Some might say you're a hero, kid. Not me, however, I love Krusty.

Homer: Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. [pause] Well, goodnight.

Krusty's tombstone: See 'ya real soon kids!

"Lisa the Iconoclast"
Homer: You su-diddely-uck, Flanders! [grabs a bell from him] Hear ye, hear ye! Ye olde town crier proclaimed crappy by all! Chooseth Homer Simpson, and he shalt rock thy world!
Wiggum: Good God, he is fabulous.
Skinner: Yes, he's embiggened that role with his cromulent performance.

Hurlbut (to Lisa and Homer): Get out! You're banned from this historical society! You, and your children, and your children's children [pause] for three months.

Moe: Homer, I support, you know, any prejudice you can name, but this hero-phobia sickens me. All right, you and your daughter ain't welcome here no more. Barney, show them the exit.
Barney: There's an exit?!

Wiggum: Oh my God! Jebediah's body has been replaced with a skeleton!

"Homer the Smithers"
Smithers: No! Don't make me take a vacation! Without you I'll wither and die!
Burns: That's a risk I'm willing to take.

Moe: Moe's tavern.
Burns: I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers, first name Waylon.
Moe: Oh... So you're looking for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name Waylon is it? Listen to me, you! When I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes, and shove 'em down your pants, so you can watch kick the crap outta you, okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!

"The Day the Violence Died"
Bart: Lisa, if I ever stop loving violence, I want you to shoot me.
Lisa: Will do.

Bart: Well, I'm not calling you a liar but... but I can't think of a way to finish that sentence.

Bart: There's a box you can sleep in.
Chester: Thanks.
Bart: Just move that cot out of the way.
Chester: Okay.

"A Fish Called Selma"
Lisa: Dad, what's a muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, and it's not quite a puppet, but man... [laughs loudly] So to answer your question I don't know.

Selma: What are you working on now?
Troy: I've been reading a lot of scripts lately. You know, it's a lot cheaper than _going_ to the movies.

Parker: Troy! Mac Parker. Ever hear of... Planet of the Apes?
Troy: Uh... the movie or the planet?

"Bart on the Road"
Patty: Some days, we don't let the line move at all.
Selma: We call those weekdays.

Homer: Donut?
Lisa: No, thanks. Do you have any fruit?
Homer: [offers some of the donut he's eating] This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit.

Lisa: It's not fair. I'm the best student in school, how come I never heard about this competition?
Bart: Maybe because you are, as we say in Latin, a "dorkus malorkus."
Lisa: That's not Latin. [to Marge] Mom, Bart's faking it.
Marge: Lisa, you've had your glory. Now it's Bart's turn.

Homer: Hello, I'd like to speak with a Mr. Snotball, first name Ura.
Moe: Ura Snotball?
Homer: What? How dare you? If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran.

"22 Short Films About Springfield"
Chairman: Dr. Nick, this malpractice committee has received a few complaints against you. [reads from clipboard] Of the 160 gravest charges, the most troubling are performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant.
Riviera: But I cleaned them with my napkin.
Chairman: Misuse of the cadavers.
Riviera: I get here earlier when I drive in the carpool lane.

Dr. Nick: The symptoms you described to me point to "Bonus Eruptus", a terrible disorder where the skeleton tries to leap out the mouth and escape the body.
Abe: Now, you're talking!
Dr. Nick: Our only hope is transdental electromicide. I'll need a golf cart motor with a 1000 volt capacimator, stat!
Nurse: Doctor, I can't in good conscience...
Dr. Nick: Bah! Now there's no time, man! We'll need to improvise. [he rips cords from an operating lamp and starts to shock Abe] Keep doing that every five seconds.

Chalmers: Good Lord, what is happening in there?
Skinner: Aurora Borealis?
Chalmers: Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? A this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Skinner: Yes.
Chalmers: May I see it?
Skinner: Oh, erm... No.

"The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"
Burns: There, Simpson: seven gone. As soon as you're in your pressboard coffin, I'll be the sole survivor and the treasure will be mine.
Abe: Over my dead body, it will!
Burns: Oh, Simpson, can't you go five seconds without humiliating yourself?
[Abe's pants go down with a "boing"]
Abe: How long was that?

Vidal: There is one more way to kill a man, but it is as intricate and precise as a well-played game of chess.
[he bursts into Retirement Castle blasting away with a machine gun]

Ned: Maude, boys, come on up! We're gonna have a little camp out in the dingy!
Maude & Kids: Yay!

"Much Apu About Nothing"
Assistant: Sir, there's an unruly mob here to see you.
Quimby: Does it have an appointment?
Assistant: [consults clipboard] Yes, it does.
Skinner: I phoned ahead!

Nelson: Hey, German boy. Go back to Germania!

Apu: What do you say we take a relaxed attitude towards work and watch the baseball game? The nye Mets are my favorite squadron.

Abe: Hey! The government can't control the sky. What if you lived in a balloon?
Lisa: That's it!
Bart: Hear that? Hear that, mom? She's as dumb as me.

Homer: If I could just say a few words... I'd be a better public speaker.

"Homerpalooza"
Abe: I used to be with it, but then they changed what "it" was. Now, what I'm with isn't it, and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me.

Marge: So... you want to go on tour with a traveling freak show.
Homer: I don't think I have a choice, Marge.
Marge: Of course you have a choice.
Homer: How do you figure?
Marge: You don't have to join a freak show just because the opportunity came along.
Homer: You know, Marge, in some ways, you and I are very different people.

Corgan: Hey cannonball, I like your statement: when life takes a cheap shot at you, you stand your ground. Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.
Homer: Homer Simpson, smiling politely.

Bart: Do you wear boxers or briefs?
Homer: [checking] Nope.
Bart: What religion are you?
Homer: You know, the one with all the well-meaning rules that don't work out in real life. Uh... Christianity.

"Summer of 4 Ft. 2"
Chuck: But what happened in Ford's theatre?
Ralph: Was President Lincoln okay?
Ms. Hoover: He was fine.

Homer: [holding Lisa's suitcase] Somebody's travelling light.
Lisa: Meh. Maybe you're just getting stronger.
Homer: Well, I have been eating more.

Homer: [wearing "Welcome" mat across his groin] I forgot my swimsuit too, but I improvised. [goes outside] Hello!
[police sirens blare]

L'il Valu-Mart clerk: Any red-blooded, flag-fearing American would love the M-320. Celebrate the independence of your nation by blowing up a small part of it.

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