Info
Running Gags
Favorite Moments

Interactive
Madlibs
Random Quote
Random Trivia
ST Challenge
Top Ten

Misc
E-mail Me
What's The Deal?
About

Links

This is another good season. Read on.

"Bart Of Darkness"
Homer: Marge, can you set the oven to cold?

Lisa: Dad, as you know, we've been swimming, and we've developed a taste for it. We both agree that getting our own pool is the only way to go. Now before you respond, you must understand that your refusal would result in months and months of...
Bart+Lisa: Can we have a pool Dad? Can we have a pool Dad? Can we have a pool Dad?
Homer: I understand. [stands up] Let us celebrate our new arrangement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

Bart: People, people! It's time we all discussed the pool safety rules!
Kids: [chanting] Jump, Bart, jump! Jump, Bart, jump!
Bart: You got it!

(Marge and Homer are skinny dipping in their new pool when a light shines on them from a helicopter)
Wiggum: [through a megaphone] Do not be alarmed, continue swimming naked. [eats popcorn] Aw, c'mon, continue! Come on! Oh... [to Lou] All right, Lou, open fire.

Todd: Daddy, where's Mommy? We miss her.
Ned: Mommy...had to go away. She's with God now. Rod+Todd: Yay! Can we go there too?
Ned: Soon enough.
Rod+Todd: Yay!
Bart: [gasps] He's going to kill Rod and Todd too. That's horrible! ...in principle.

(Bart calls the police when he sees Flanders going after Lisa with an ax)
Voice: Hello, and welcome to the Springfield Police Department Resc-u-Fone. If you know the name of the felony being committed, press one. To choose from a list of felonies, press two. If you are being murdered or calling from a rotary phone, please stay on the line.
Bart: [growls, punches some numbers]
Voice: You have selected regicide. If you know the name of the king or queen being murdered, press one.

Bart: But I heard a woman scream.
Ned: Oh? Well, now that I can't explain.
Lou: [holding up plant] Found it, Chief.
Ned: [screams like a woman]
Bart: Oh. Well, I guess that explains everything.
Homer: Not everything. There's still the little matter of the whereabouts of your wife.
Maude: Um, I'm right here.
Homer: [sarcastic] Oh, I see. Then I guess everything is wrapped up in a neat little package. [everyone looks at him] Really, I mean that. Sorry if it sounded sarcastic.

"Lisa's Rival"
Bart: I can't stand to see you so miserable, Lis...unless it's from a rubber spider down your dress. Hmm, that gives me an idea. [pulls out pocket tape recorder, presses "record"] Note for later: put rubber spider down Lisa's dress. [chuckles, turns back to Lisa, then as an afterthought, chuckles onto tape again] Hey, I know! How about I dig up some dirt on Alison? Remember how I got Milhouse's picture on "America's Most Wanted"?
(two agents in sunglasses drive up, see Milhouse)
Agent 1: There he is on the monkey bars.
Agent 2: Try to take him alive.
Milhouse: Oh no, not again!
(they drive into the monkey bars)

Marge: I want you to forget about guarding the stupid sugar! You're being completely paranoid.
Homer: Oh, am I? Am I really? Ah ha! [Pulls a well-dressed man from behind the pile]
Man: [holds teacup and saucer] Hello.
Homer: All right, pal: where'd you get the sugar for that tea?
Man: I nicked it when you let your guard down for that split second, and I'd do it again. [sips tea] Goodbye.

(Lisa's diorama is blown out the window by a fan)
Bart: Uh oh. [crash]
Lisa: Is it OK?
Bart: Well...the important thing is, _we_ survived.

Bart: Now, here's what we do. Tomorrow morning when Alison comes out of her house, we spray her with the hose, soaking her from head to toe, leaving us relatively dry.
Lisa: "Relatively"?
Bart: Well, there's bound to be some splash-back.
Lisa: Bart, her being wet won't help me win the competition.

"Itchy & Scratchy Land"
(The family gets out of the car after Homer has parked it)
Homer: Remember, we're in the Itchy Lot.
(The camera zooms back to reveal there are only two parking lots: The Itchy Lot and Scratchy Lot. There are masses of cars in each)

Bart: Look at all this great stuff, Lis! [finds personalized license plate rack] Cool...personalized plates! "Barclay"..."Barry"..."Bert"..."Bort"? Aw, come on. "Bort"?
Child: Mommy, mommy! Buy me a license plate.
Mother: No. Come along, Bort.
Man: Are you talking to me?
Mother: No, my son is also named Bort.

(In the Itchy & Scratchy Land control room)
Man 1: Mop and bucket man to the exit of the "Nauseator".
Man 2: We got another jumper on the roof of T. G. I. McScratchy's.
Man 3: We need more "Bort" license plates in the gift shop. I repeat, we are sold out of "Bort" license plates.

Announcer: Attention, Marge Simpson: your son has been arrested.
Woman: I'd be terrible embarrassed if _I_ were that boy's mother.
Marge: [groans]
Announcer: Attention, Marge Simpson: we've also arrested your older, balder, fatter son.
Marge: Mmm...

"Sideshow Bob Roberts"
Homer: [looks at ballot information] Hmm...I don't agree with his Bart-killing policy, but I do approve of his Selma-killing policy. [votes for Bob]

Kent Brockman: And the results are in. For Sideshow Bob, 100%, for Joe Quimby, 1%. And we remind you there is a 1% margin of error.

"Treehouse Of Horror V"
(Homer sits at the bar when Moe materializes as a ghost)
Moe: So, what'll it be, Homer?
Homer: Moe! Gimme a beer!
Moe: No. Not unless you kill your family.
Homer: Why should I kill my family?
Moe: Uh, they'd be much happier as ghosts.
Homer: You don't look so happy.
Moe: Oh, I'm happy. I'm very happy. La la la la la la la. See? Now waste your family and I'll give you a beer.

Homer: Television! Teacher, mother, [lusty] secret lover.

Homer: D'oh! I mean...hey.
Bart: Good morning, Father dear. [hands him comics] Hope you're well.
Lisa: Are we taking the new Lexus to Aunt Patty and Selma's funeral today?
Homer: Hmm, fabulous house, well-behaved kids, sisters-in-law dead, luxury sedan...woo hoo! I hit the jackpot. [sits down] Marge, dear, would you kindly pass me a donut?
Marge: Donut? What's a donut?
Homer: Aah! Aah! [pushes toaster handle, disappears]
[donuts start to fall from the sky]
Marge: Hmm. It's raining again.

Lisa: Bart, does it strike you as odd that Uter disappeared and suddenly they're serving us this mysterious food called "Uterbraten"?
Skinner: Oh, relax, kids, I've got a _gut_ feeling Uter is around here somewhere. [chuckles] After all, isn't there a little _Uter_ in all of us? [chuckles] In fact, you might even say we just _ate_ Uter and he's in our stomachs right now! [laughs] Wait...scratch that one.

"Bart's Girlfriend"
(Chaos erupts in the school when Jessica and Bart pull the fire alarm)
Willy: If I don't save the wee turtles, who will?! [kicks down door, comes out covered in turtles] Aah! Save me from the wee turtles! They were too quick for me!

Mrs. Lovejoy: I'll just take that — [sees empty collection plate, then gasps] Everyone turn around and look at this!
Abe: What is it? A Unitarian?
[everyone surrounds Bart]
Bart: [thinking] Now just relax. For once, you didn't do anything wrong. Just explain yourself and everyone will understand. [aloud] I — Mrs. Lovejoy: — took the money? Yes, we know.
Moe: He confessed!
Bart: [rolling his eyes] O-kay! [jumps out window]
Homer: [after a delay] Stop him! He's headed for the window!

"Lisa On Ice"
Skinner: All right, first academic alert: Wiggum, Ralph.
Ralph: I won, I won! [walks on stage]
Skinner: No no, Ralph, this means you're failing English.
Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible!

Homer: Whew! That's all of 'em. [puts down stack of academic alerts] And I'm so proud you didn't try to forge my name. How about a present, son?
Bart: Well, I could use a new pair of hockey skates.
Homer: Done and done.
Lisa: That's not fair. Why is Bart getting a present and I'm getting chewed out?
Homer: [sitting back] Ah, the mysteries of life.

Homer: OK, little buddy: hop in! [Bart steps forward] Ah bah! I mean my little _girl_ buddy.
Lisa: That's very nice, Dad, but it's wrong for you to reward violent competitive behavior. However, I _will_ sit up front with you if it's a fatherly gesture of love.
Homer: [kindly] OK, hon. [she gets in] Sucker! Competitive violence, that's why you're here! [laughs]

Marge: Stop it, stop it, stop it! [flicks light on and off]
Bart: Mom, that is _really_ annoying.
Lisa: Bart started it.
Bart: Uh uh, Lisa started it.
Marge: I don't care _who_ started it. I don't ever want to see you two fighting like that ever again. We love you both: you're _not_ in competition with each other. Repeat: you are not in competition with each other.
Homer: Hey! Apu just called. This Friday, Lisa's team is playing Bart's team. You're in direct competition. And don't go easy on each other just because you're brother and sister. I want to see you both fighting for your parents' love! [flicks light on and off] Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!...

(The game ends up in a tie)
Abe: Rip-off!
Hans: We paid for blood!
Wiggum: Let's tear this place apart!
Abe: Good idea!

"Homer Badman"
(Homer enters the candy convention)
Homer: Oh, I feel like a kid in some kind of a store.

(At the candy convention, Marge sits down and pulls out a celery stick from her purse)
Security guard: All right, you're going to have to put some sugar on that celery or get out, ma'am.

(Homer plans to steal the Gummi Venus de Milo)
Homer: Now, this is going to take all my skill...heh heh heh. [smashes glass, takes Venus de Milo; an alarm sounds]

* Second All-Time Favorite Scene!
(Homer is interviewed by Rock Bottom; his video is obviously edited, with splices and a clock in the background that keeps moving back and forth!)
Homer: Somebody had to take the babysitter home. Then I noticed she was sitting on [splice] her sweet [splice] can. [splice] — so I grab her — [splice] sweet can. [splice] Oh, just thinking about [splice] her [splice] can [splice] I just wish I had her — [splice] sweet [splice] sweet [splice] s-s-sweet [splice] can.
Jones: So, Mr. Simpson: you admit you grabbed her can. What do you have to say in your defense?
Homer: [looking lustful in a clearly-paused VCR shot]
Jones: Mr. Simpson, your silence will only incriminate you further. [paused shot of Homer grows larger] No, Mr. Simpson, don't take your anger out on me. Get back! Get back! Mist — Mr. Simpson — nooo!
Voice: [quickly] Dramatization may not have happened.

"Grampa Vs. Sexual Inadequacy"
Bart: I'm getting this book on UFOs. ["Unidentified Flying Outrage!"] Did you know they're real, but there's a huge government conspiracy to cover it up?
Lisa: Oh, that's just a paranoid fantasy.
[The man runs Lisa's book over the scanner. A signal travels down through the scanner, over wires, to a satellite dish, up to a satellite, and down to the Pentagon. A man in uniform grabs a printout and dashes off to the White House]
Officer: Mr. Vice President! Someone finally bought a copy of your book, sir.
Al Gore: Well, this calls for a celebration. [puts on a Kool 'n' the Gang record: "Celebrate good times..."] I will.

Marge: Homey, are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life?
Homer: Of course not, Marge, just for the rest of his life. He said I was an accident...he didn't want to have me.
Marge: You didn't want to have Bart.
Homer: I know, but you're never supposed to tell the child.
Marge: You tell Bart all the time! You told him this morning.
Homer: But when I do it, it's cute!

Fear of Flying
Homer: Wait a minute...there's something bothering me about this place. [looks around] I know! This lesbian bar doesn't have a fire exit. Enjoy your death trap, ladies! [leaves]
Woman: What was her problem?

Alan: Hi, I'm Alan. I'm your copilot.
Homer: Uh, yeah, uh, hmm. Er, uh, as a change of pace, I'm going to let you do most of the work. I think you're ready for it, Alan. [Alan makes a face] And, um, I'll just get us started. [flips a random switch]
Alan: [quickly flips the switch back] Uh, we'll need that to live.
[Homer flips another switch; the wheels retract and the plane crashes on the runway]

Marge: Well, everybody's got a fear of something.
Homer: Not everybody.
Marge: Sock puppets!
Homer: Where?! Where?! Aah! Aah!

Homer: Now Marge, "Dear Abby" says seeing films about air travel can calm your fears. Ooh! Here are some upbeat titles: "Hero", "Fearless"..."Alive!"
[Marge watches "Alive"]
Man 1: No thanks to the plane, many of us are still...
Everyone: Alive!
Man 2: [through full mouth] We certainly are. [chews]
Man 3: Pass me another hunk of copilot.

"Homer the Great"
Marge: I don't want you stalking anyone tonight.
Homer: Oh, okay, have it your own way, Marge. I'll be back in a minute [gets up]: I'm...[sly] going outside. To..._stalk_...Lenny and Carl. [realizes] D'oh!

Number One: You are the Chosen One whom the sacred parchment prophesied would lead us to glory! Now to the top of Mount Springfield for the coronation! Remove the Shone of Shame.
Homer: Woo hoo!
Number One: Attach the Stone of Triumph! [attaches a much larger stone to Homer's shackle]
Homer: D'oh!
Everyone: Yay! [they all run off leaving Homer to drag the stone]

Lisa: Remember Dad, "All glory is fleeting."
Homer: So?
Lisa: "Beware the Ides of March."
Homer: [nonchalant] No.
Lisa: Dad, I know you think you're happy now, but it's not going to last forever.
Homer: Everything lasts forever.

"And Maggie Makes Three"
[Homer quits and plays Mr. Burns' head like a bongo]
Burns: I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage...and island rhythms."

Hey Barney, any chance you can get me a job here? Barney: Hey, sure, Homer. I told you, my uncle owns the place. Hey, Uncle Al. Can Homer here have a job?
Al: Sure.
Homer: Woo hoo! [dances a little jig]
Al: Barney, you're fired.
Barney: OK. [walks away]

Homer: Thanks for giving me my old job back.
Burns: I'm afraid it's not that simple. As punishment for your desertion, it's company policy to give you the plague.
Smithers: Uh, sir, that's the plaque.

"Bart's Comet"
Skinner: [ominous] Destroy that balloon.
Willy: Aye. [cocks a shotgun, shoots into the sky]
[two fighter planes fly overhead]
Pilot 1: Tango 14, we're being fired at. I'm getting an exact ID on the bogey now.
[screen shows a silhouette of Willy and "Identify." It identifies him as "Iraqi fighter jet"]
Pilot 1: Iraqis again. Launching sidewinder missile. [missile destroys the other plane] Missed him. Launching second sidewinder missile. [missile destroys his own plane]
Pilot 1: [parachuting] This is what happens when you cut money out of the military and put it into health care!
Pilot 2: [parachuting] It's a good program! Just give it a chance, that's all I ask.

[The rocket to blow up the comet misfires and destroys the only bridge out of town]
Lisa: It blew up the bridge! We're doomed.
Homer: It's times like this I wish I were a religious man.
Reverend Lovejoy: [running down the street] It's all over, people! We don't have a prayer!

Lisa: We're saved!
Everyone: Yay!
Selma: Sure makes you appreciate the preciousness of life. [she and Patty light a cigarette]
Moe: Let's go burn down the observatory so this will never happen again.

"Homie the Clown"
Krusty: All right, now there can only be one Krusty in each territory, so I hope this works out. Tell me where you're from.
Man 1: Georgia.
Texan 1: Texas.
Texan 2: Uh, Brooklyn.
Man 2: Russia.
Man 3: New Hampshire.
Homer: Homer.

Krusty: OK, memorize these funny place names: Walla Walla. Keokuk. Cucamonga. Seattle —
Homer: [laughs] Stop it, you're killing me! [laughs more] Seattle.

Krusty: These Krusty brand balloons are three bucks each. But get a cheap one and what happens? It goes off, takes out the eyeballs of every kid in the room! What's _that_ going to cost you? [to accountant] Hey, Bill, what did that cost us?

Homer: [trying to make a balloon animal] And then, take that...and...put that in there, and you...ah! There's your giraffe, little girl.
Ralph: I'm a boy!
Homer: That's the spirit. Never give up.

Fat Tony: No more talk. It is time for us to take you for a ride.
Krusty: Oh, no...mind if I go to the bathroom first?
Fat Tony: I see no harm in that.
[Krusty runs off, slams the bathroom door. A window slides open; a car speeds away; a plane flies overhead. All the while, Fat Tony and his gang are waiting patiently]
Legs: When he's done in there, I gotta go.

Salesman: Well I can't _give_ you the car, Krusty, but I _can_ let you have this little number for practically nothing: only $38,000.
[Louie's bullets hit the car]
Homer: [suspicious] Hey, what are all these holes?
Salesman: [quickly] These are speed holes. They make the car go faster.
Homer: Oh, yeah. Speed holes!
[more bullets the car and smash the windshield]
Salesman: You want my advice? I think you should buy this car.

Homer: But wait...you can't kill me for being Krusty the Klown. I'm not him...I'm Homer Simpson!
Tony: The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall of our club?
Homer: Uh, actually, my name is Barney. Yeah, Barney Gumble.
Legs: The same Barney Gumbel who keeps taking picture of my sister?
Homer: Uh, actually, my _real_ name is, uh — think, Krusty, think! — Joe Valachi! Louie: The same Joe Valachi who squealed to the Senate Committee about Organized Crime?
[later]
Homer: Benedict Arnold!
Legs: The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to the hated British?
Homer: D'oh!

"Bart vs. Australia"
Bruno: Ooh! Ah, that's it. I'm going to report this to me member of parliament. [yells out window] Hey, Gus! I got something to report to you.
[Gus tends his swine]
Gus: That's a bloody outrage, it is! I want to take this all the way to the Prime Minister.
[they go down to a nearby lake]
Gus: Hey! Mr. Prime Minister! Andy!
Andy: [floating naked on an inner tube with a beer] Eh, mates! What's the good word?

Homer: [looking at globe] Hmm, there it is: Aus-tra-li-a. I'll be damned. [spins globe, laughs] Look at this country! [points to Uruguay] U-R-Gay. [laughs]

[Bart flicks a pocket knife open and closed repeatedly]
Man: You call that a knife? _This_ is a knife. [brings out a spoon]
Bart: That's not a knife, that's a spoon.
Man: All right, all right, you win, heh. I see you've played Knifey-Spooney before.
Homer: [to bartender] Hey! Give me one of those famous giant beers I've heard so much about.
[bartender puts a huge can of Fosters in front of him]
Bartender: Something wrong, yank?
Homer: No. It's pretty big...I guess.
Marge: I'll just have a cup of coffee.
Bartender: Beer, it is.
Marge: No, I said "coffee".
Bartender: "Beer"?
Marge: [slowly] Coff-ee.
Bartender: Be-er?
Marge: C — O —
Bartender: B — E —

"Homer vs. Patty and Selma"
Barney: [proposing a toast] To Homer, and to Sergeant Pepper, who's growing out of the middle of your back.
Moe: Uh, Barn, you gotta unwrap the plastic before you smoke those.

Broker: Homer, you knuckle-beak, I told you a hundred times: you've got to sell your pumpkin futures before Hallowe'en! Before!
Homer: All right, let's not panic: I'll make the money back by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.

Bart: What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them — as is my understanding —

Manager: I'm sorry, but if you don't come up with that money by tomorrow, the bank is going to take your house.
Homer: Well, good luck finding it, because I'm going to take the numbers off tonight!
Manager: Well, we'll look for the house with no numbers.
Homer: Then I'll take off the numbers on my neighbor's house.
Manager: So, well then we'll look for the house next to the house with no numbers.

Announcer: Need money fast? Got no experience? Step up...to elegance! Become a limo driver at Classy Joe's.
Homer: That's it! I'll make money with a chauffeur job. Good thing you turned on that TV, Lisa.
Lisa: I didn't turn it on, I thought _you_ turned it on.
Homer: No. Well, anyway, turn it off.
Lisa: It _is_ off.
[Twilight Zone music plays]

Selma: Ooh, seat belt twisted. Minus one point.
Homer: Nagging the driver. Minus ten points for you!
Patty: Grazed a cone. Minus five points!
Homer: Being a jerk. Minus a million points!

"A Star is Burns"
Rainier: Jay, my new film is a mixture of action und comedy. It's called "McBain: Let's Get Silly".
[cut to clip from movie showing McBain with a microphone in front of a brick wall]
McBain: Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up? [pause] That's the joke.
Man: [from audience] You suck, McBain!
[McBain pulls a machine gun and fires into the audience]
McBain: Now, my Woody Allen impression: I'm a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls.
Man: [from audience] Hey, that really sucked!
[McBain pulls the pin on a grenade and tosses it at him]
Rainier: The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost 80 million dollars.
Jay: [contemptuous] How do you sleep at night?
Rainier: On top of a pile of money with many beautiful ladies.
Jay: Just asking. Yeesh!

Audience: Boo! Boo!
Burns: Smithers...are they booing me?
Smithers: Uh, no, they're saying "Boo-urns! Boo-urns!"
Burns: Are you saying "boo" or "Boo-urns"?
Audience: Boo! Boo!
Hans: I was saying "Boo-urns"...

Jay: How can you vote for Burns' movie?
Krusty: [quiet] Let's just say it moved me...[exclamative] to a bigger house! Oops, I said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet.

[Homer watches Barney's film]
Homer: Wow. I'll never drink another beer.
Vendor: Beer here!
Homer: I'll take ten!

Quimby: Congratulations, Barney, and enjoy your grand prize: a lifetime supply of Duff beer.
Barney: Huh? [pulls up sleeve] Just hook it to my veins! [men are ready with a needle]

"Lisa's Wedding"
Wiggum: Alight your gaze on yonder fabled beasts of yore. [motions to chimera and manticore pictures]
[inside the tent]
Wiggum: Behold, the rarest of the rare, the mythological two-headed hound born with only one head. [a regular dog wags its tail] Ooh, and here, out of the mists of history, the legendary Esquilax, a horse with the head of a rabbit and the body...of a rabbit.

Woman: I've been waiting for you, Lisa.
Lisa: [gasps] How did you know my name?
Woman: Your nametag. ["Hi, I'm Lady Lisa"] Would you like to know your future?
Lisa: Heh, sorry, I don't believe in fortune telling. I should go.
Woman: What's your hurry? Bart and Maggie and Marge are at the joust, and Homer is heckling the puppet show.
Lisa: [gasps] Wow, you _can_ see into the...present.

Hugh: You know, I rather like this pub.
Moe: Oho, an English boy, huh? You know, we saved your ass in World War II.
Hugh: Yeah, well, we saved _your_ ass in World War III.
Moe: [conciliatory] That's true.

"Two Dozen and One Greyhounds"
Homer: We can't lose! Look at the name of the dog I bet on.
Marge: "She's The Fastest"...Homer, I don't think that means necessarily —
Announcer: And they're off! She's The Fastest jumps out to an insurmountable lead.
Homer: You're lucky you got looks, Marge.
Announcer: As they round the far turn, it's She's The Fastest, followed by Always Comes in Second and I'm Number Three.

Burns: Oh, there'll be plenty of time for explanations later. Right now, I'll be taking my puppies back.
Lisa: But they're ours. You stole them from us!
Burns: Here's a phone. Call somebody who cares. [Lisa dials 911] Give me that! [snatches back the phone]

"The PTA Disbands"
Man 1: Fort Springfield, we surrender unconditionally!
Man 2: We're sick. We need leeches and hacksaws to saw off our gangrenous limbs!
Guide: But the Springfield Brigade was too brave to accept the surrender.
Man 3: Come on, boys! Those white flags are no match for our muskets. [they charge]
Guide: And the Springfielders heroically slaughtered their enemies as they prayed for mercy.

[Jasper is substituting for Lisa's class]
Jasper: Talking out of turn...that's a paddling. Looking out the window...that's a paddling. Staring at my sandals...that's a paddling. Paddling the school canoe...ooh, you better believe that's a paddling.

Marge: It took the children forty minutes to locate Canada on the map.
Homer: Marge, anyone can miss Canada, all tucked away down there.

"Round Springfield"
Homer: Kids are so naive. Lisa, when you get to be our age, you'll learn a few things, like when a sign says "Do not feed the bears," man, you better not feed the bears [raises his arm revealing a little bear locked on his arm]. Now get to school, boy.

Skinner: Superintendent Chalmers, I'd like you to meet our new school nurse, Lunch Lady Doris.
Chalmers: Yeah, nice to see you. Seymour, why is that student lying unconscious on the floor?
Skinner: Well in many cases, the floor is the best — ahem. Oh, look, here comes Lumpy, the school snake!
[Milhouse, Ralph, and Lewis cry for help from inside it]

Blind Willie: I've been playing jazz for thirty years and I just can't make a go of it. I want you to have my saxophone.
Bleeding Gums: This isn't a saxophone, it's an umbrella!
Blind Willie: So I've been playing a umbrella for thirty years? Why didn't anybody tell me?
Bleeding Gums: Heh, we all thought it was funny. [chuckles]
Blind Willie: That's not funny.

"The Springfield Connection"
[The policemen bring something into the station]
Wiggum: All right, get in there.
Lou: You're going _down_.
Eddie: I want a piece of him.
Wiggum: You think you're pretty hot, huh? Well, we got everything we need on you.
[everyone grabs a piece of the pizza]
Marge: [knocking] Uh, excuse me?
Wiggum: What? What? What what what what what? This better be about pizza.
Marge: Uh, actually, I'm interested in becoming a police officer.
[all the officers laugh for a long time, eventually they stop]
Wiggum: Welcome aboard.

[At the shooting range, Marge shoots all the cardboard criminals and spares the innocent cardboard people]
Wiggum: Tsk tsk. You missed the baby, missed the blind man...

Wiggum: All right, settle, people. People, settle. People! Ward and Van Zuylen, stake out Donut Land: when they fry up a fresh batch, call it in. Keneally and Earhart, back 'em up. Fitz and Garcia, it's your turn to sleep in. [they remove their caps and put on their nightcaps] And Simpson, seeing how this is your first day, you're inexperienced and vulnerable. Your beat is Junkyville and Bumtown.

Homer: Oh, you've become such a cop. And not that long ago you were so much more to me: you were a cleaner of pots, a sewer of buttons, an unclogger of hairy clogs. Marge: I'm still all those things, only now I'm cleaning up the city, sewing together the social fabric, and unplugging the clogs of our legal system.
Homer: You're cooking what for dinner?

"Lemon of Troy"
Bart: Hey! They're taking our lemons.
Milhouse: We can't spare a single one! [the Springfield kids start hurling lemons at the Shelbyville kids]

Homer: That tree's been in Springfield since the time of our forefathers. Give it back or we'll bust in there and take it!
Shelby's dad: Bust in here and take it? You must be stupider than you look.
Homer: Stupider like a fox! [tries to climb the fence; fails] I'm OK. [tries again; fails again]
Shelby's dad: [chuckles] Don't you get it, Springfield? It's over. You lose! Now if you'll excuse me, all this talk has made me hungry. [bites into a lemon; his face contorts at the bitterness]

Bart: Eat my shorts, Shelbyville!
Bart and Homer: Eat my shorts!
Ned: Yes, eat _all_ of our shirts.
[Shelby and his dad shake their fists at them]
Shelby's dad: Ooh, you lousy Springfielders, you — shake harder, boy!

"Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part One)"
[Homer enters the elevator with a large nametag and helmet with his name on it]
Burns: Hello Lenny...Carl...Guillermo. Hello, um, uh, er...
[Homer waves his nametag back and forth]
Burns: Ooh, uh... [the door opens; Smithers and Burns leave]
Lenny: Don't take it so hard, Homer. He's always screwing up people's names.
Guillermo: Yeah. At the picnic, he thought my son Renaldo was my son Rolando. Can you believe that?

Smithers: [over intercom] Principal Skinner, this is your secretary. There is one last student here to see you.
Skinner: That's odd. I don't have a secretary...or an intercom! But send him in.
[Burns enters dressed like Jimbo]
Burns: Ahoy, there, Dean. I understand you're taking suggestions from students, eh? [sits on desk; groans as his knee bends painfully] Well, me and my fourth form chums think it would be quite corking if you'd sign over your oil well to the local energy concern.
Skinner: [clears throat] Mr. Burns...
Burns: [shocked] Buh!
Skinner: It was naive of you think I would mistake this town's most prominent 104- year-old man for one of my elementary school students.

Hibbert: Heh heh heh. Well, I couldn't possibly solve this mystery. Can..._you_? [points at camera. Camera pulls back to reveal that he's pointing at Wiggum]
Wiggum: Yeah, I'll give it a shot, I mean, you know, it's my job, right?

HTML design for this web page by Andrew Afan. Any unauthorized reproduction is prohibited.
Legal Notice: "The Simpsons" TM and © (or copyright) Fox and its related companies. All rights reserved. Any reproduction, duplication, or distribution in any form is expressly prohibited;
Disclaimer: This web site, its operators, and any content contained on this site relating to "The Simpsons" are not authorized by Fox.