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This is the funniest season of the Simpsons ever, so don't be surprised if the page is pretty large.

"Homer's Barbershop Quartet"
(The Be Sharps are holding auditions to replace Chief Wiggum)
Wille: (singing with his scottish accent) When you're alone and life is getting you lonely, ye can always go...ach, Doon-toon!

(Barney has a drink with his new girlfriend at Moe's Tavern)
Moe: Hey, Barney! What'll it be? Barney: I'd like a beer, Moe!
Yoko: I'd like a single plum floating in perfume served in a man's hat.
Moe: (reaching under bar) Here you go.

"Cape Feare"
(The family gathers all the threatening letters sent to Bart)
Marge: This one's written in different handwriting. (she holds up a note that says, "I kill you scum")
Homer: Oh, I wrote that. After Bart somehow got this tattoo on my butt. (He pulls down his pants revealing the words "WIDE LOAD." The family laughs)
Nelson: (from window) Ha Ha!

(The family are in a movie theater and meet up with Sideshow Bob)
Bart: You sent me those letters.
Marge: You awful man! Stay away from my son!
Sideshow Bob: (evilly) Oh, I'll stay away from your son all right. Stay away...forever! (he walks away, then pauses) Wait, that's no good. (shudders, then runs back) Wait! I've got a good one now. Marge, say, "Stay away from my son," again.
Marge: No.
Bob: [shudders]

(Homer asks for the help of some guy who might dissuade Bob)
Man: Now don't you fret. When I'm through, he won't set foot in this town again. I can be very, very persuasive. (reloads his gun)
(Scene change to a bar)
Man: (whining) C'mon, leave town!
Bob: No.
Man: I'll be your friend?
Bob: No.
Man: Oh, you're mean!

Bob: (in ice cream truck) The following people will not be killed by me: Maude Flanders, Ned Flanders...
Ned: Oh, isn't that nice?

(The witness protection agents are trying to get Homer to remember he's Mr. Thompson)
Agent: Remember now, your name is Homer Thompson.
Homer: I gotcha.
Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
Homer: [stares blankly]
(A long time later)
Agent: [sighs in frustration] Now, when I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson," and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
Homer: No problem.
Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson! (stomps on Homer's foot a few times)
Homer: [stares blankly, then whispers to other agent] I think he's talking to you.

*This is a really good one!
(Sideshow Bob is strapped underneath the Simpsons car)
Homer: Hey kids, wanna drive through that cactus patch?
Bart: Yeah!
Lisa: Yeah!
Bob: (clearly heard) No!
Homer: Well, two against one!
(They drive through the cactus patch, with Bob screaming all the way)

(Homer charges in Bart's room on the houseboat with a baking pan and a butcher knife)
Homer: (fast and menacingly) Bart you want some brownies before you go to bed!?
Bart: [screams]
Homer: Come on, let me cut you a slice while it's still warm.
Bart: Dad, I'm kinda edgy right now. I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't barge in here brandishing the butcher knife.
Homer: Why? Oh, the Sideshow Bob thing. Good night, son. (closes the door, Bart goes back to sleep)
(A second later, Homer bursts in the room again looking like a madman)
Homer: Bart you wanna see my new chainsaw and hockey mask!?
Bart: [screams]
Homer: Oh, right. What was I thinking.

"Homer Goes To College"
Agent: I'm still not sure how he caused the meltdown. There wasn't any nuclear material in the truck!
Burns: Oh, very well, it's time for your bribe. Now, you can either have the washer and dryer where the lovely Smithers is standing, or you can trade it all in for what's in this box.
Agent: The box! The box!

(The NRC agents tell Burns that Homer better get college training or they'll be forced to take legal action)
Burns: Oh, is that so? Well, I have a feeling you'll be "dropping" the charges. (he pushes a red button and a trap door springs open far away from the agents)
Smithers: The painters moved your desk, sir.

(At Springfield University)
Man: I'm sorry, Mr. Burns, but I must object. This Simpson is not qualified!
Burns: I see. Well, you know, fellows, I look at the admissions board a lot like a baseball team. You all like baseball, don't you? Yes, well, to have a successful baseball club, you need teamwork, (Smithers hands him a baseball bat) not some hot-dog admissions officer playing by his own rules!
(Burns starts hitting the man in the head with almost no force)
Man: Er, excuse me, what are you doing?
Burns: I'm giving you the [grunt] beating of your life!
Man: Look, if—stop that!—if you wanted him that badly, why didn't you just say so?
Burns: (collapses from exertion) Smithers, dismember the corpse and send his widow a corsage.

Homer: Woo-hoo! I'm a college man! I won't need my high school diploma anymore. (he sets the diploma on fire and starts singing and dancing) I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T.
(all the while, the fire catches other objects in the living room and burns quickly)

Prof: This proton accelerator destabilizes the atom in this chamber here, then propels it—
Homer: (cocky) Uh, excuse me, Professor Brainiac, but I worked in a nuclear power plant for ten years, and, uh, I think I know how a proton accelerator works.
Prof: Well, please, come down and show us.
Homer: All right, I will.
(Later, everyone abandons the glowing green building. Homer walks out, glowing green himself)
Homer: (to meltdown men) In there, guys.
Men: Thanks, Homer.

Dean: Homer, no one blames you for the accident, we simply feel you might benefit from outside tutoring. I researched these names myself.
Homer: (to himself) Yeah, you've won this round, Dean...but the war isn't over. (exits)
Dean's phone rings)
Dean: Hello?
Homer: (disguising his voice) Hello, Dean! You're a stupid-head.
Dean: Homer, is that you? (looks out his window) Homer: (looks up, sees the Dean looking at him) Aah!

"Rosebud"
Homer: (Trying to be funny) Hey, Flanders! You smell like manure!
Flanders: Oh, better cancel that dinner party tonight. Thanks for the nose news, Homer!

(The Ramones play an insulting birthday song to Mr. Burns)
Burns: Have the Rolling Stones killed.
Smithers: Sir, those aren't...
Burns: Do as I say!

(A group of Arctic explorers enters the Kwik-E-Mart with bags of ice)
Man: You've got to start charging more than one dollar a bag. We lost four men on this expedition!
Apu: If you can think of a better way to get ice, I'd like to hear it.
(The men can't think of anything and leave)

*Another good one!
Kent Brockman: The Burns bear, perhaps the most valuable widdle bear in the world, could be anywhere. It could be in your house...you could be looking at it right now. It could be right in front of your face as I'm saying this, waggling back and forth, perhaps being held up by a loved one.
Homer: Maggie, I'm trying to watch TV. Put that moldy old bear down! (realizing) Moldy? Old? I'm gonna get something to eat!

(Burns and Smithers are dressed and black and are atop Flanders' roof, ready to slide on a wire to the Simpsons roof)
Burns: Remember, Smithers. In and out in eighteen seconds.
(Smithers slides down and makes it halfway across, but stops when there's no more slant. Burns soon follows and both of them are stuck. Later, the two are sitting in an ambulance.)
Marge: More cocoa, Mr. Burns?
Burns: (gruff) Yes.

*Can't argue with this one!
(Another night, Burns and Smithers are found crawling across the ceiling of the Simpsons kitchen using suction cups. They stop when Homer enters)
Homer: Mmmm. Sixty-four slices of American cheese. (he sits down and eats the slices, one by one. Morning comes)
Homer: (weakly) Two... (eats slice) One... (eats last slice, then Marge enters kitchen)
Marge: Homer, have you been up all night eating cheese?
Homer: I think I'm blind.
(At that point, Burns and Smithers fall from the ceiling, and quickly brush themselves off)
Burns: Good day to you. (they quickly leave)

(Burns and Smithers take over every TV show and are starring in a stupid sitcom)
Burns: Smithers, I'm home! [canned laughter]
Smithers: What, already? [canned chuckle]
Burns: Yes. [loud canned laughter]
Lisa: Is it my imagination or is TV getting worse? Homer: Ehh, it's about the same. Uh oh! Look out, Smithers! [sound of breaking glass] Heh heh, I love this show.

"Treehouse of Horror IV"
(Homer spends a day in hell, and is sent to the Ironic Punishment room)
Devil: So. You like donuts, huh? Well, then. Have all the donuts in the world!
(Homer is strapped to a chair and is fed dozens of donuts. After each batch, he says, "More". A while later, Homer is fat as a balloon, but continues eating)
Devil: I don't get it. James Coco went mad in fifteen minutes.

*A Hutz classic
Devil Flanders: I simply ask for what is mine.
Hutz: That was a right-pretty speech, sir. But I ask you, what is a contract? Webster's defines it as "an agreement under the law which is unbreakable." Which is unbreakable! (the Jury of the Damned stare at him, unimpressed). Excuse me, I must use the restroom.

Bart: Otto, you gotta do something! There's a gremlin on the side of the bus!
(Otto spots Hans Moleman driving an AMC Gremlin in the next lane.)
Otto: Eh, no problemo, Bart dude. I'll get rid of it. (he rams Moleman off the road)

Burns: [over the intercom] Welcome, come in. Ah, fresh victims for my ever-growing army of the undead...
Smithers: Sir, you have to let go of that button.
Burns: Well, son of a bi—

Bart: Even if Mr. Burns was a vampire, we're not going to stumble on his secret hiding place. (he accidentally hits a stone block and a secret door in the wall moves to reveal...a washer and dryer)
Lisa: You're probably right. Let's just go back to...
(They see a large neon sign near a staircase that says, "TO SECRET VAMPIRE ROOM")

Homer: Bart! How many times have I told you not to bite your sis — [gasps] Wait a minute! You _are_ a vampire!
Abe: Quick! We have to kill the boy! (holds a stake and mallet)
Marge: How do you know he's a vampire?
Abe: He's a vampire? Aah! (runs away)

(The family gets into Burns' secret hideout and open his casket. Homer plunges in the stake and hammers away)
Lisa: Uh, Dad? That's his crotch.
(Homer pulls out the stake with a noticeable squishing sound)
Homer: Huh? Oh, yeah right. (he repositions the stake and drives it into Burns' heart. Burns screams and dies) [Sigh]
(Suddenly, Burns quickly wakes up)
Burns: You're fired! (immediately goes back to death)
Homer: D'oh!

"Marge On The Lam"
Homer: How can you do this, Marge? How can you desert your children?
Lisa: Have a blast, Mom!
Bart: Rock the Casbah!
Homer: (bitter) "Man's best friend," indeed.

Ruth: Look, Marge, there's no reason for you to get dragged into this. Once we lose the cops, I'll let you out.
Marge: Well, I don't think they'll be that easy to lose. These are professional lawmen, and—
(Ruth enters a tunnel and turns the car's lights off)
Wiggum: Oh my God! It just disappeared! It's a ghost-car! (slams on the brakes) There are ghost-cars all over these highways, you know.
Homer: Hold me.
Wiggum: Only if you hold me.

Wiggum: Dispatch, this is Chief Wiggum, back in pursuit of the rebelling women.
Dispatch: All right, your current location?
Wiggum: Oh, uh, I'm, er, I'm on a road. Uh, looks to be asphalt...oh, geez, trees, shrubs...er, I'm directly under the earth's sun...now.

"Bart's Inner Child"
Brad Goodman: Now let me show you how you can change your life. (he draws a circle on a blackboard) Troy, this circle is you.
Troy McClure: My God, it's like you've known me all my life!

Brad: Be like the boy!
Audience: Be like boy! Be like boy!
Brad: Just the ladies.
Ladies: Be like boy! Be like boy!
Brad: Now, the seniors in the back.
Seniors: We like Roy! We like Roy!

Kent Brockman: Springfield will have its first annual "Do What You Feel" Festival this Saturday, whenever you feel like showing up! It'll be a welcome change from our annual, "Do As We Say" Festival started by German settlers in 1946.

Willie: If elected mayor, my first act will be to kill the whole lot of you and burn your town to cinders!
Workman: [whispering] The mike's on.
Willie: I know it's on!

"Boy-Scoutz In The Hood"
(Homer enters Bart's room and starts making fun of him)
Homer: Well, if it isn't the leader of the wiener patrol, boning up on his nerd lessons!
Marge: Homer, you should be more supportive.
Homer: You're right, Marge. Good work, boy. (ruffles his hair)
(Marge leaves) Homer: (singing) Egghead likes his booky-book!
Marge: Homer!
Homer: Just tucking him in.

Homer: How was jerk practice, boy? Did they teach you how to sing to trees? And make crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs? Huh?
(The chair Homer is sitting in collapses) D'oh! Stupid poetic justice.
Bart: Actually, we were just planning the father-son river rafting trip.
Homer: Heh, heh. You don't have a son.

Homer: Son, there was something I was going to give you at the end of this trip, but since we may not survive, I want you to have it now.
Bart: [Gasp] A real Swiss Army knife! Cool!
Homer: I stole it from that Borgnine guy.
(Scene switch to a ferocious bear encountering the rest of the scouts)
Ernest: Don't worry, kids! I'll take care of him with my trusty...(searches for his knife)...er, er, um, er, uh, hmm.

"The Last Temptation Of Homer"
Charlie: Sir, I won't bore you with the details of our miraculous escape, but we desperately need a real emergency exit.
Burns: Why, that's a fabulous idea. Anything else you'd like? How about real lead in the radiation shields? Urinal cakes maybe? Smithers, throw this at him. (Smithers throws a pad of paper at Charlie. Burns then presses a button and Charlie is sucked up through a glass tube) Smithers, where does that tube go?
Smithers: I don't know, sir. It was there when we moved in.
(The tube leads to an Indian palace. Charlie falls onto a table with six men wearing fezzes surrounding him. They tell him to dance, and when Charlie does a nervous little shuffle, the men cheer like Xena)

(Bart is in class after his visit to the HMO where he is given new glasses, big shoes, and a weird haircut. He looks into Milhouse's glasses)
Bart: [Gasp] I'm a nerd!
Milhouse: (sees his reflection in Bart's glasses) [Gasp] So am I!

Homer: (making things up) Lisa, look out behind you!
Lisa: Dad, I'm not gonna fall for that.
Homer: No, Lisa, I swear to you: I'm 100% completely serious! You've got to turn around right now before it's too late!
Lisa: (turns) Huh?
Homer: (running away) Sucker!

Mindy: Hi Homer...
Homer: Mindy! (clears throat, glances at prepared speech on his hand which is now smeared) Oh no, I'm sweating like Roger Ebert. (reads) "Muh...Murphy. Use...you are a elf...uncontrollably...I think ...a we nom yo ho renge kyo."

"$pringfield"
Bum: Got any spare change, man?
Abe: Yes! And you ain't gettin' it. Everybody wants something for nothing. (Abe walks into the social security building) I'm old! gimme gimme gimme!

(Homer picks up a pair of glasses from a toilet and puts them on, thinking they will help him become smart)
Homer: The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side.
Man (in stall): That's a RIGHT triangle, you idiot!
Homer: D'oh!

Mr. Burns reminisces the time he was in a bumper car and repeatedly rammed into an Irish worker. He starts laughing, and the laughter carries on in the shower, at Church, in bed at night, and again the next morning at his desk. Burns then wonders, "What was I laughing at again? Oh, yes. That crippled Irishman." He starts laughing again.

(Mr. Burns is holding auditions for an idea for Springfield's new casino)
Capt. McCallister: I'll need three ships and fifty stout men. We'll sail 'round the Horn and return with spices and silk, the likes of which ye have never seen.
Burns: (impatient) We're building a casino!
Capt. McCallister: Arr...can you give me five minutes?

Burns: Now, to the plant! We'll take the Spruce Moose. (picks up the model airplane) Hop in!
Smithers: But, sir—
Burns: (points gun at Smithers) I said, hop in.

Homer: (grabbing Marge) Yer gotta redda kid forrad yarrar!
Marge: Homer, what is it? Slow down!
Homer: (slowly) J'yer gedda ferda redderarrar.
Marge: Think before you say each word.
Homer: You broke a promise to your child.

"Homer The Vigilante"
Bart: The burglar even took my stamp collection.
Lisa: You have a stamp collection?
Family: (laughs)
(phone rings; Bart picks it up)
Nelson: (on phone) Stamp collection? Ha Ha!

(The police look at a map with the robbery locations marked with tacks on it)
Wiggum: Well, there doesn't seem to be any pattern yet, but if I take this one and move it here...and I move these over here...hello! It almost looks like an arrow!
Lou: Hey, look, Chief: it's pointing right at this police station!
Wiggum: Let's get out of here!

Flanders: Welcome, neighbors. Since the police can't seem to get off their dufferoonies to do something about this burglarino, I think it's time we started our own neighborhood watch...eroony! (Everyone cheers) Now, who should lead the group?
Man: You!
Everyone: Yay! Flanders! Flanders! Flanders!
Flanders: I don't really have very much experience, but I'll—
Moe: Someone else!
Everyone: Yay! Someone else! Someone else! Someone else!
Homer: I'm someone else!
Lenny: He's right!
Homer: We don't need a thinker. We need a doer: someone who'll act without considering the consequences.
Everyone: Homer! Homer! Homer!

(The vigilante group spots a man burning leaves and quickly run over to kick around the leaves)
Homer: No burning leaves without a permit!
(The fire catches on to the man's house)
Man: But I got one! (The group runs away)
Homer: Too late!

Kent: Well it looks like we have our first caller...and I mean ever, because this is not a call-in show. Hello, you're on the air.
Man: Hello, Kent. Hello, Homer — my arch-nemesis.
Homer: Y'ello.
Man: You _do_ realize who this is?
Homer: Uh...Marge?
Man: No, Homer, I'm not your wife. Although, I do enjoy her pearls. As a matter of fact, I'm holding them right now: listen. (plays with them)
Homer: Why you monster. And you have my daughter's saxophone too! (He strangles someone off camera)
Kent: Homer! That's our stage manager.
Homer: Oh...heh, sorry. I'm a little nervous.

(Abe tells the townspeople about how he knows Molloy is the cat burglar)
Abe: I couldn't quite put my finger on it. There was something strange about the way he walked — much more vertical than usual. (We see Molloy climbing a rope up the side of the museum)
And finally, Malloy, unlike most retired people, has the world's largest cubic zirconia on his coffee table.

Otto: I found something! (pulls a briefcase from the ground)
Wiggum: (opens it) It's just a piece of paper.
Homer: It's mine! (reads) "Frightfully sorry, but there is no hidden treasure. I have already used this time to escape from your jail. Fondest wishes" — oh, I can't make out the signature!
Quimby: Keep digging. We're bound to find something!

Quimby: I guess we're not going to find anything.
Otto: Um, how are we going to get out of here?
Homer: We'll dig our way out! (They resume digging)
Wiggum: No, dig _up_, stupid.

"Bart Gets Famous"
Bart tries to get out of his field trip at the box factory, so he jumps into a laundry cart. Nothing happens for a long while. Discouraged, Bart jumps out and walks out a door marked, "Emergency Exit."

Homer: (to Skinner) Whaddaya mean, you lost him? He might have fallen into one of these machines! (turns to conveyer belt) Oh, my God: that's his lucky red hat. He's a box! My boy's a box! (dramatically) Damn you, a box!

Snake: Don't move, dude. This is totally a gun. (Apu presses the alarm button quickly)
(Snake cocks the shotgun and points it at Apu)
Apu: I didn't do it!
(Both laugh helplessly)

(A little girl dials "BartChat")
Barney: BartChat.
Girl: Are you Bart?
Barney: Sure I am. I didn't do nothin'.
Girl: Uh, isn't it, I didn't do _it_?
Barney: Yeah, whatever. (burps)

Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catch-phrase.
Homer: (breaks a lamp) D'oh!
Bart: Ay, caramba!
Marge: Mmm.
Maggie: [suck suck]
Flanders: Heidely-ho.
Barney: (burps) Nelson: Ha, ha!
Burns: Excellent!
(Everyone looks at Lisa)
Lisa: (unimpressed) If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room.
Homer: What kind of catchphrase is that?

"Homer And Apu"
Customer #1: I need one twenty-nin cent stamp.
Apu: That's a dollar eighty-five. (rings it up)
Customer #2: Hi, I want two dollars worth of gas, please.
Apu: Four-twenty. (rings it up)
Martin: How much is your penny candy?
Apu: Surprisingly expensive.

In Kent Brockman's sting operation, they hide out in front of the Kwik-E-Mart in a van with the sign, "Ordinary Van". Yeah, no one will suspect a thing.

Homer: Your old meat made me sick!
Apu: I'm so sorry. Please accept five pounds of frozen shrimp.
Homer: This shrimp isn't frozen and it smells funny.
Apu: Okay, ten pounds.
Homer: Woo hoo!
(The next scene shows an ambulance on its way to the hospital)

Kwik-E-CEO: You may ask me three questions.
Apu: That's great, because all I need is one.
Homer: Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?
Kwik-E-CEO: Yes.
Homer: Really?
Kwik-E-CEO: Yes.
Homer: You?
Kwik-E-CEO: Yes. I hope this has been enlightening for you.
Apu: But I must...
Kwik-E-CEO: Thank you, come again.
Apu: But...
Kwik-E-CEO: Thank you, come again.

(A robber holds up the Kwik-E-Mart)
Robber: Hey, I know you. You're James Woods!
Woods: (coy) Well, yeah.
Robber: Well, Mr. Woods. You're next song is going to be number three, with a bullet.
Woods: I'm not a singer.
Robber: Shut up!

"Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"
Grampa Simpson tries to feel like a youngster so he tries riding a bike with no hands. He stumbles and goes flying into an open grave. "Eh, this ain't so bad," he says after landing.

(Lisa and her friends are playing with Malibu Stacy dolls)
Stacy: Let's buy makeup so the boys will like us.
Lisa: [sighs] Don't you people see anything wrong what Malibu Stacy says?
Celeste: There's something wrong with what _my_ Stacy says.
Stacy: (in a man's voice) My spidey sense is tingling—anybody call for a web-slinger?
Lisa: No, Celeste. I mean, the things she says are sexist.
Girls: (giggle) Lisa said a dirty word!

(Smithers turns on his computer and a start-up screen with a naked Burns appears)
Burns: (inconsistent pitch) Hello, Smithers. You're quite good at turning me on.
Smithers: Um, you probably should ignore that.

Lisa: Excuse me, Miss Lavelle? I'd like to talk to you about Malibu Stacy.
Stacy: Do you have any idea how many kids have tried to track me down?
Lisa: Am I the first?
Stacy: (pause) Yes.
Lisa: I want you to hear what Malibu Stacy is telling a generation of little girls.
Stacy doll: Thinking too much gives you wrinkles.
(The old iron gate creaks open. Lisa walks in)
Boy: All right! I've been waiting nine years to get my frisbee back.
(He throws it, but it goes right back inside)
Boy: (moaning) Aw!

"Deep Space Homer"
Smithers: Attention, everyone. Let's have an awed hush please for Mr. Burns. (Everyone gasps)
Burns: Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya.
(Smithers whispers to him)
Burns: Hmm? What? Oh, and by that I mean, of course, it's time for the "Worker of the Week Award". I can't believe we've overlooked this week's winner for so very, very long. We simply could not function without his tireless efforts. So, a round of applause for...this inanimate carbon rod! (Everyone cheers)
Homer: [growls] Ooh...inanimate, huh? I'll show him inanimate!
(He stands perfectly still even after everyone leaves)

*You'd have to see this one to appreciate it!
Homer: Ah, TV respects me. It laughs _with_ me, not at me! (Turns it on; a man points at him)
Man: [chuckling] You stupid — (laughs uncontrollably)
Homer: D'oh!

(Homer's watching TV and tries to change the channel but the batteries fall out, forcing him to watch a boring space launch)
Tom: Now let's look at the crew a little.
Man 2: They're a colorful bunch. They've been dubbed "the Three Musketeers". Heh heh heh.
Tom: And we laugh legitimately. There's a mathematician, a different kind of mathematician, and a statistician. (The pictures on the TV reveal they all look alike)
Homer: Make it stop!
Bart: Oh no, not another boring space launch. Change the channel. Change the channel!
Homer: [panicking] I can't! I can't!
(Bart dives for the plug and tears it from the wall. He and Homer both sigh)

Barney drinks some nonalcoholic champagne and goes berserk. He steals a jet pack and flies away. The jet pack runs out of fuel and Barney falls onto the roof of a pillow factory. He bounces repeatedly off the hard metal roof and lands on the street below. He is then run over by a marshmallow truck. Now THAT'S irony.

Assistant: Sir, the TV ratings for the launch are the highest in ten years.
Everyone: Yay!
Scientist: And how's the spacecraft doing?
Assistant: I dunno. All this equipment is just used to measure TV ratings.

Buzz: Homer, you broke the handle!
Race: With that hatch open, we'll burn up on re-entry! That's it: if I go, I'm taking you to hell with me.
Homer: Wait a minute, Race. Wait a minute...wait! (breaks off a support rod) Aha! Now I'll bust that pretty face of yours! (tries to swing it, but it catches in the door) Aw, stupid bar.
Buzz: Wait, Homer. If that bar holds, we just might make it back to earth.
Homer: Oh. (turns attention back to Race) I'll bash you good!

"Homer Loves Flanders"
Kent: Tonight, on "Eye on Springfield": just miles from your doorstep, hundreds of men are given weapons and trained to kill. The government calls it the "army", but a more alarmist name would be "The Killbot Factory."

(Homer rings Ned's doorbell brandishing a lead pipe)
Marge: [calling from window] Homer?
Homer: Huh?
Marge: Are you planning to hit Ned Flanders with that pipe and take his tickets?
Homer: Ye—no...
Ned: (answers door) Huh? (Homer winds up)
Homer: Oh. (winds down) Flanders, I decided I'd like to go to the game with you.
Ned: Well, get out the Crayloas and color me "Tickled Pink". Ooh, what's with the lead pipe, were you going to give my noggin a floggin'?
Homer: (sheepish) Well, yeah.
(Homer and Ned chuckle)

Ned: Oh, I guess it's time for me to duck again.
Homer: No! I want everyone to know that — [yells] this is Ned Flanders, my friend!
Lenny: What'd he say?
Carl: I dunno. Something about being gay.

(In Flanders' motor boat; the boys are supposedly waterskiing)
Ned: How're my boys doing, Homer?
Homer: (Without looking back) They're fine.
(We see the handholds skimming along the water with nobody hanging onto them)

(Bart offers Rod and Todd some Pixie Stix somewhere in the woods)
Todd: Thank you, but we're not allowed.
Bart: Aw, it's OK. There's no sugar in Pixie Stix.
(Rod tries some becomes hyper)
Rod: Don't hog it all, smelly-head.
Todd: Go to hell, zit face!
(They wrestle on the ground while Bart chuckles evilly)

"Bart Gets An Elephant"
Homer: Bart! With $10,000 we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things, like...love."
Marge: Or double-ply windows. They look just like regular windows but they'll save us 4% on our heating bill. (long pause) Well they will.
Lisa: You all seem to be forgetting the most important thing...which is that it's wrong to imprison an animal!
(long pause)
Homer: Lisa, go to your room.

Homer: Well these bills will have to paid out of your allowance.
Bart: You'll have to raise my allowance to about $1000 a week.
Homer: Then that's what I'll do, smart guy!
(doorbell rings)
Girl: Can we see the elephant?
Boy: We'll pay you money...
Homer: For the ninth time, no! (slams door; doorbell rings again) Wait a minute...this gives me an idea.
(hammers a "Go away" sign into the ground outside)

Lisa: Mr. Blackheart?
Blackheart: Yes, my pretty?
Lisa: Are you an ivory dealer?
Blackheart: [laughs] Well, little girl, I've had lots of jobs in my day: whale-hunter, seal-clubber, president of the Fox network, and, like most people, yeah, I've dealt a little ivory.
Bart: Dad, you can't do this. Stampy is my friend.
Homer: Don't worry, son. I'll get you a new elephant.
Blackheart: I'll take that one too.
Homer: Done.

Blackheart: All right, I'll be back in the morning to pick up Stampy.
Homer: Here's the keys.
Blackheart: Elephants don't have keys.
Homer: Well, I'll just keep these then.

Lisa: Mom! Dad! Bart and Stampy are gone!
Marge: Oh my Lord!
Lisa: I bet it's because of that horrible ivory dealer, (accusing) Dad.
Homer: He took Bart, too? That wasn't part of our deal, Blackheart. [yells outside window] That wasn't part!

(Homer drives into a statue of a preserved deer at the tar pits)
Homer: D'oh!
Lisa: A deer!
Marge: A _female_ deer...

Lisa: Dad! You're sinking.
Homer: Huh?
Marge: Get a rope, Bart?
Homer: Naw, that's OK. I'm pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First I'll just reach in and pull my legs out. Now I'll pull my arms out with my face.

"Burns' Heir"
(Bart reads a card written by Homer at Mr. Burns' heir auditions)
Bart: Hello, Mr...Kurns? I bad want...money now. Me sick.
Homer: Ooh, he card reads good.

Burns: Just sign here, and your son will stand to inherit my entire estate.
Homer: Woo hoo! We're rich! Bart, get over to the mansion and open up all the windows. We want to get the old people smell out before we move in.
Lisa: Dad, Mr. Burns hasn't passed away yet.
Homer: Huh? Oh, right. So, I guess you're in OK shape, huh? No heart problems or anything?
Burns: Well I —
Homer: Boo!
(Abe collapses, struggling and groaning)
Abe: (from the floor) I'm OK!

Homer: Bart, you're coming home right now.
Burns: I suggest you leave immediately.
Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with the bees in their mouth and when they bark they shoot bees at you? Well, go ahead. Do your worst!
(Burns closes the door. Homer runs up)
Homer: He locked the door! I'll show him. (he rings the doorbell and runs off)

Marge: I'm very concerned. Mr. Burns has stolen our son and he won't give him back!
Wiggum: Oh, for gosh — can't you people solve these problems yourselves? I mean, we can't be, er, "policing" the whole city.

Burns: Bartholemew, you don't need him. I can be your schoolyard chum.
(Outside with Smithers holding a football for Burns. Bart is ready to catch)
Burns: 25, 34, skidoo, hut!
(He takes two steps and loses all his energy. He then kicks Smithers in the face in desperation and they both collapse. Bart looks on, unimpressed)

"Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song"
Chalmers: I have had it with this school! The low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children!
Skinner: Oh, now I really think the children's appearance is —
Chalmers: Seymour, you are in very, very big trouble.

Skinner: Now I finally have time to do what I've always wanted: write the great American novel. Mine is about a futuristic amusement park where dinosaurs are brought to life through advanced cloning techniques. I call it "Billy and the Cloneasaurus."
Apu: Oh, you have _got_ to be kidding sir. First you think of an idea that has already been done. Then you give it a title that nobody could possibly like. Didn't you think this through... (later) ...was on the bestseller list for eighteen months! Every magazine cover had... (later)...most popular movies of all time, sir! What were you thinking?! I mean, thank you, come again.

Luigi: Hey, Seymour-ah. You wanna your usual-ah table?
Skinner: No, no, Luigi. I'd like one with two seats. I'll be dining with a friend tonight.
Luigi: Hey, good for you, huh? (goes into the kitchen)
Skinner: Hmm, it's real nice here.
Luigi: Hey, Salvatore, guess who's here-ah? Mister Googalamanza, and some real ugly kid.

Ned: (over PA system) Well, cockly-doodly-doo, little buddies. Let's thank the Lord for another beautiful school day.
Chalmers: Thank the Lor—thank the Lord? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer. A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organized religion. Simpson, you get your wish. Flanders is history!
(later)
Ned: Well, I really enjoyed my time here, Superintendent. May the Lord bless and keep you.
Chalmers: Yeah, take it outside, God-boy.

"The Boy Who Knew Too Much"
Auctioneer: Going once...going twice...sold to the small man with the runny nose for 2.3 million.
(Bart snickers and runs away)
Auctioneer: Ok, the next highest bid was I believe yours, sir, with 2.1 million.
(The man snickers and runs away just like Bart)
Auctioneer: Yes, well. Were there any serious bids on this item?
(The crowd mutters no)

(Bart looks at the jury during the Quimby trial)
Skinner: (thinking) I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. Just a little reminder: if I find out you cut class, your ass is mine. Yes, you heard me. I think words I would never say.
Homer: (thinking) I know you can read MY thoughts boy. Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow.

(Bart jumps into Freddy Quimby's car while escaping Skinner)
Floozie: Freddy honey, I think something just dropped into the back seat.
Freddy: I'm not paying you to talk.

"Lady Bouvier's Lover
Marge: Homer! You didn't do a very good job frosting Maggie's birthday cake.
Homer: What? (reads lettering) It's not Magaggie's birthday? Oh. (he eats the extra "a" and "g", then eats other letters)
Marge: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Stop it. I made a special cake for you to ruin. It's over there.

Abe: I suppose I'll be gettin' home too. At least I got Matlock to keep me company. Oh! He's on in five minutes.
Jackie: He is? Step on it!
(the old folks' bus pulls up)
Crazy old man: Hurry up, hurry! Each "Matlock" could be our last!

Abe: [thinking] Ooh, I feel all funny. [gasp] I'm in love! No, wait. It's a stroke.
(later, in the ambulance)
Abe: No, wait! It _is_ love!
(the ambulance stops and Abe is booted out on the hospital bed)
Abe: I'm in love! (rolls onto highway as cars honk)

Jackie: I swear, Monty: you are the devil himself!
Burns: I — [yelling] who told you?! — Oh, ho ho, I, yes, yes, well, I'd say you're an angel, but angels don't dance like that.

"Secrets of a Successful Marriage"
Carl: Hey, don't yell at Homer. Just 'cause he's a little slow...
Homer: [gasps]
Homer's Brain: Something was said...not good. What was it? "Don't yell at Homer!" No, that's OK. What was it? ...Slow! They called you slow!
Homer: [stands up, yells] How dare you call me that! I — huh?
(Lenny walks into empty kitchen wearing night cap)
Lenny: [opens fridge] Hey, Homer, you still here? Boy, you _are_ slow.
Homer's Brain: Something said...not good.
Lenny: Get the hell out of here!

Marge: ...or you could take an adult education course.
Homer: Oh, and how is "education" supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how.

[Homer goes through a red light at an intersection and stops; cars skid around him]
Homer: It's all right! I'm a teacher. (he speeds away)
Ms. Hoover: I didn't know we could do that! (speeds through light)

Homer: Now, what is a wedding? Well, Webster's Dictionary describes a wedding as, "the process of removing weeds from one's garden."

Moe: Clean house, no silverfish. Coulda been very happy here. (Homer knocks at door) Homer!
Homer: Moe! What are you doing here?
Moe: I, er, well, I—I never touched her, Homer. Homer, I swear I never touched her!
Marge: (entering) Here's your water, Moe.
Moe: I didn't ask her for no water! She's lying, Homer, she's lying. I — she told me you were dead, that's the only reason I—I didn't do nothing! (jumps out through kitchen window)
Homer: (casually) Bye Moe.

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